I can’t help myself…my apologies
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island but it turned out
to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it
was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking
into it.
10.Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11.Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12.Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to
the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’
13.I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14.A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
15.The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small
medium at large.
16.The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a
seasoned veteran.
17.A backward poet writes inverse.
18.In a democracy, it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism, it’s your
count that votes.
19.When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20.If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
21.A vulture boards an airplane carrying two dead raccoons. The
stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion
allowed per passenger.’
22.Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and
says ‘Dam!’
23.Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly so they lit a fire in the
craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your
kayak and heat it too.
24.Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The
other says ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’
25.Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
canal? His goal: transcend dental medication
Man, #3 is at least 40 years old. Those are some old groaners.
You can probably hear my groans from the antipodes!
I need to give these to the pastor at my church so he can add them to his arsenal. He always tells these kinds of jokes during Sunday morning Bible class.
I told my doctor I had insomnia. He told me not to lose any sleep over it.
“They say it can’t be done, but it don’t always work.”
Casey Stengel
A peanut walks into a police station to make a complaint claiming he was a salted.
Hi,
I´m from Brazil, and catholic, but I´m learning about Lutheranism. The Lutherans Churches in Brazil seems to be very timid in apologetics… Let me ask you a question (I don´t find a post more apropriate): why are the traditional lutheran countries (German, Norway, Iceland, Sweden, Finland, Denmark) so atheistic today? Why specially the nordic countries became the major secularists in Europe and world?
Sorry about my english (but I can ready very well). Thanks
I was wondering why a frisbee kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Larry Luder
I heard Paul entered the top ten puns from this list in the National Pun Contest, hoping to win first place. Alas, no pun in ten did.
Thank you for these! Here are few more!
Our #1 problem in America is that nobody wants to take responsibility for anything…but don’t quote me on that!
A neutron walks into a bar and asks “how much for a beer?” The bartender says, “for you? no charge.”
Gravity isn’t easy, but it’s the law.
I went to a meeting today for people who are impatient. I left early.