I’m taking up the ukelele again after a lot of years away, and one of the delightful aspects of it is that there are about a bazillion songs you can play and sing that are only three or four chords. I may add worship song composition to my ukelele playing, and if so, I expect CPH to publish my Praise Songs for Ukelele volume. Lots of great hints and tips on this video for all budding praise song composers (and, hey, who isn’t these days?).

 

 

 

 

For more examples…..go here.

Here is an example of my warped sense of humor, this picture made me laugh until I was literally crying…

An Ode to the English Plural

We’ll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn’t the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn’t the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let’s face it—English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England. We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? We ship by truck but send cargo by ship. We have noses that run and feet that smell. We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway. And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

And, in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother’s not Mop?
!

 

Richard Lederer.

It’s from the introduction to his book Crazy English (Pocket Books 1989).

He seems to be fighting a battle to get credit for it as it spreads through the Web. Let’s help him out.

 

So, get this, there’s a guy who runs a really wacky web site (RWWS) and whines about the fact that I quote from various sources but do not use Chicago Manual of Style references. He routinely prints a picture of Martin Chemnitz on his site that I took when I was in Braunschweig, Germany several years ago, without attribution of any kind. Go figure! Pretty funny stuff actually.

We won’t mention names, since the one thing he craves is attention.

Here’s what Grumpy Cat has to say to you.

 

 

This is to amazingly and deliciously nerdy, on several levels.

 

 

HT: The Sacred Sandwich

 

Brought to you by Pastor Riley’s blog, written by Stephen Altrogge, I present a quick “How To” on writing an awful worship song. HT: MZH for tweeting this.

So you finally learned to play the guitar and now you’re wondering,“How do I write a truly awful worship song?” You’ve come to the right place my friend. Here are some sure fire ways to write a truly horrible worship song.

Recycle A Love Song. Write a song for your girlfriend. When she breaks up with you, convert it into a worship song. Be sure to change all uses of “girl” or “baby”.

Use Time Tested Rhymes. Make sure that you rhyme “love” and “above” at least twice. The song becomes doubly awful if you can also incorporate the word “dove”. Example: “You sent your love from above, makes my heart feel like a pure white dove.” You get the point.

Be Vague About Your Theology. Make sure to avoid any theology at all costs. Don’t talk about atonement, wrath, or any other biblical concepts. You want your song to be all about feeling. Don’t let the mind get in the way. Repeat after me: “Worship is a warm feeling, sort of like heartburn, only better.”

Make the Song All About You.  The main point of your song should be your experiences and how God makes you feel. Don’t bother with objective truth about God. I would suggest that you use the words “I” or “me” at least 12-15 times. For example, “I feel like singing, yes I feel like spinning, because You make me feel so good inside. Like it’s my birthday, but more awesome.”

Be Incredibly Poetic. If you can, muddy the waters with poetic phrases that don’t make much sense. Example: “Your love is like a warm summer’s breeze, washing over my heart like a crystal river.”

Use Well-Worn Musical Progressions. If you can, keep your music and melody boring. I would suggest that you use no more than four distinct notes in a song, so that by the time someone is done listening to it they want to scream. A worship scream, but a scream nonetheless. It also helps if you use the chords G, C, and D over and over.

Defend Your Song Like It’s Your Firstborn Child. Do not, I repeat, do not, let anyone make suggestions for improvement. Tell people that God laid the song on your heart. Tell people that you really want to preserve the artistic integrity of the song. Tell people that you already did the song at your campus ministry and that a revival broke out. Don’t take advice from anyone.

There you have it. Seven ways to write a terrible worship song. You can thank me later.

 

Found this on the “Internet Monk” blog site recently…passing it along:

Last week, Adam Palmer sent me a series of tweets he had received from our mutual friend, Mark Riddle. Here are just a few.

*Did Jesus always pray before his staff meetings?

*I’m guessing Jesus’ administrative assistant was tough to get past.  I’ll bet she protected him well.

*And then Jesus said, “Go into the world and cast my vision.”

*Then Jesus sat down with his exec team & said “What are your measurable goals for this year?”

*Then Phillip said to the Ethiopian, “When you get back, find some big dog power brokers in your church & get them on board with your vision.”

*And then Jesus said,  ”Let the children come to me, because  if you get the kids, their parents will follow.”

*Then Jesus said, “Do not worry about tomorrow, but stockpile canned goods because the world will end soon.”

*When they gathered in the upper room for supper Jesus said, “This is my brand, created for you. Share it where ever you may go.”

 

Mark Riddle is a consultant to many pastors and churches in the country, primarily in the area of youth ministry. He has heard it all, and then some. Mark thought he would have a little fun and imagine what a business meeting with Jesus and his disciples would be like. Welcome Mark, and enjoy.  JD

“Come, follow me,” Jesus said and his disciples did.

Some time later, eating around the campfire debating with the disciples how many lumens the moon produced, Jesus had an epiphany. This would be a remarkable way to get his message out to the world.

“You will be my executive disciple team,” he said.

“Peter, I’m making you my executive pastor, and on this staff structure I will build my church. Peter, keep the vision and cast it often. Make sure the other disciple leaders align and build their ministries around it.” Then, in the sand, Jesus wrote his mission, vision, and values statements. Judas took lots of notes.

Jesus looked at Matthew. “I’m making you the business administrator of my ministry. We’ll be launching a building program soon for satellite campuses all around the world to maximize our impact.”

“Judas, please file our 501(c)3 paperwork. We need to be compliant so that disciples who give to our ministry receive their tax deductions. We all know this is key to sacrificial giving.”

“Phillip, please start a missions department. Once people begin attending our regular gatherings they can go and serve.” Then he added to everyone, “Service is important, people. Make sure you give back.”

“Nathaniel, I’ve saved the most important job for you. You’ll be the youth pastor. There isn’t anything more important to my ministry than youth ministry (remember what I’ve said about millstones?). When we gather, take the kids away from the adults so they can be noisy. We all know that they have unique needs and the ministry must be age appropriate.

“Remember this,” Jesus affirmed, “the Gospel has levels of age appropriateness.”

“Nathaniel, I want you to look to the current trends in youth ministry in the temple and the marketplace and adapt them. Weigh the pros and cons of attractional versus missional ministry. Look at the statistics, surveys, experts, and best practices of others to shape our youth ministry. Coordinate with Phillip on youth missions trips. Stay compliant with Matthew’s policy for keeping food and drinks out of the upper room.”

Jesus continued, “When it comes to the ministry’s donkey, you’ll find it………….. Nathaniel? Was your hat on backward when we started this conversation?”

“The name’s Nate, yo!”

“Since when?”

“I need an assistant.”

“I just gave you the job. How do you need an assistant?”

“Look, you want me to hang out with the kids, that’s my job. Every youth ministry expert tells me it’s my job. I’m a relational guy. It’s my gift! I can barely return a phone call, let alone organize a ministry. I need an assistant.”

“You have a $300 smart-phone”

“It’s all about relationships, Jesus!”

“Were you just saying my name, or swearing?”

“Um…”

Jesus turned to his executive leadership team.

“Remember, team. You are leaders. Cast vision. Go into all the world and bring them back here to our services so I can save them. Amen?”

“Amen.”

Jesus could tell they were getting excited about the vision, so he continued. “We’re here to make disciples.”

Peter held up his sword and yelled, “Yes we are!”

Jesus frowned and said, “That’s the wrong great commission, Pete. We’ll not compel them to belief with swords for at least a few hundred years.”

Dejected, Peter put his sword away, hung his head and kicked a little dirt with his sandal.

Jesus continued with his energized speech. “We’ll need a worship leader. Who’s up for that?”

“I am,” said a voice.

“Who are you?” asked Jesus.

“I’m Bartholomew. I’m one of your disciples,” said Bartholomew.

Jesus looked puzzled.

“You told me to follow you?”

Jesus, saving face said, “Sorry, I meet a lot of people, it’s hard to remember everyone’s name. You know how it is. Right?”

“Sure, I guess,” whispered Bartholomew.

Jesus turned to the other executive team members. “Who’s responsible for assimilation? I need a way to keep track of all these new faces!”

Bartholomew chimes in, “I play the electric lyre and I’m pretty good.”

“Ok,” Jesus concedes. “Meet with Matthew for all the appropriate personality testing to see if you are a good fit to be on the executive disciple team, then we’ll have a try out to see if you can play well enough to lead.”

Bartholomew looked confused.

Jesus continued, “You don’t talk a lot while you lead worship do you? I have a pet peeve regarding worship leaders who chit-chat when they have a mic.”

“We should coordinate our calendars,” Matthew suggested, changing the subject. “We don’t want all the stuff we are planning to overlap.”

Jesus sat back and watched with pride as Matthew led the staff meeting with efficiency, never varying from the agenda.

Jesus ended this first staff meeting with a prayer. “Father, help us change the world. There are people out there who are hurting, wounded and in need of you. Guide our ministry so we can impact the world with your good news. I pray that people come to our service this week. That you’d be preparing their hearts, even now, to come to our new building. I pray that they would become tithing disciples who give to us so we can fulfill the ministry you have given to us. May you expand our territory so we can impact this evil culture for you.”

Amen.