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A Boy and His Cello

March 30th, 2012 1 comment

Categories: Humor

If Jesus Held a Business Meeting

March 21st, 2012 Comments off

 

Found this on the “Internet Monk” blog site recently…passing it along:

Last week, Adam Palmer sent me a series of tweets he had received from our mutual friend, Mark Riddle. Here are just a few.

*Did Jesus always pray before his staff meetings?

*I’m guessing Jesus’ administrative assistant was tough to get past.  I’ll bet she protected him well.

*And then Jesus said, “Go into the world and cast my vision.”

*Then Jesus sat down with his exec team & said “What are your measurable goals for this year?”

*Then Phillip said to the Ethiopian, “When you get back, find some big dog power brokers in your church & get them on board with your vision.”

*And then Jesus said,  ”Let the children come to me, because  if you get the kids, their parents will follow.”

*Then Jesus said, “Do not worry about tomorrow, but stockpile canned goods because the world will end soon.”

*When they gathered in the upper room for supper Jesus said, “This is my brand, created for you. Share it where ever you may go.”

 

Mark Riddle is a consultant to many pastors and churches in the country, primarily in the area of youth ministry. He has heard it all, and then some. Mark thought he would have a little fun and imagine what a business meeting with Jesus and his disciples would be like. Welcome Mark, and enjoy.  JD

“Come, follow me,” Jesus said and his disciples did.

Some time later, eating around the campfire debating with the disciples how many lumens the moon produced, Jesus had an epiphany. This would be a remarkable way to get his message out to the world.

“You will be my executive disciple team,” he said.

“Peter, I’m making you my executive pastor, and on this staff structure I will build my church. Peter, keep the vision and cast it often. Make sure the other disciple leaders align and build their ministries around it.” Then, in the sand, Jesus wrote his mission, vision, and values statements. Judas took lots of notes.

Jesus looked at Matthew. “I’m making you the business administrator of my ministry. We’ll be launching a building program soon for satellite campuses all around the world to maximize our impact.”

“Judas, please file our 501(c)3 paperwork. We need to be compliant so that disciples who give to our ministry receive their tax deductions. We all know this is key to sacrificial giving.”

“Phillip, please start a missions department. Once people begin attending our regular gatherings they can go and serve.” Then he added to everyone, “Service is important, people. Make sure you give back.”

“Nathaniel, I’ve saved the most important job for you. You’ll be the youth pastor. There isn’t anything more important to my ministry than youth ministry (remember what I’ve said about millstones?). When we gather, take the kids away from the adults so they can be noisy. We all know that they have unique needs and the ministry must be age appropriate.

“Remember this,” Jesus affirmed, “the Gospel has levels of age appropriateness.”

“Nathaniel, I want you to look to the current trends in youth ministry in the temple and the marketplace and adapt them. Weigh the pros and cons of attractional versus missional ministry. Look at the statistics, surveys, experts, and best practices of others to shape our youth ministry. Coordinate with Phillip on youth missions trips. Stay compliant with Matthew’s policy for keeping food and drinks out of the upper room.”

Jesus continued, “When it comes to the ministry’s donkey, you’ll find it………….. Nathaniel? Was your hat on backward when we started this conversation?”

“The name’s Nate, yo!”

“Since when?”

“I need an assistant.”

“I just gave you the job. How do you need an assistant?”

“Look, you want me to hang out with the kids, that’s my job. Every youth ministry expert tells me it’s my job. I’m a relational guy. It’s my gift! I can barely return a phone call, let alone organize a ministry. I need an assistant.”

“You have a $300 smart-phone”

“It’s all about relationships, Jesus!”

“Were you just saying my name, or swearing?”

“Um…”

Jesus turned to his executive leadership team.

“Remember, team. You are leaders. Cast vision. Go into all the world and bring them back here to our services so I can save them. Amen?”

“Amen.”

Jesus could tell they were getting excited about the vision, so he continued. “We’re here to make disciples.”

Peter held up his sword and yelled, “Yes we are!”

Jesus frowned and said, “That’s the wrong great commission, Pete. We’ll not compel them to belief with swords for at least a few hundred years.”

Dejected, Peter put his sword away, hung his head and kicked a little dirt with his sandal.

Jesus continued with his energized speech. “We’ll need a worship leader. Who’s up for that?”

“I am,” said a voice.

“Who are you?” asked Jesus.

“I’m Bartholomew. I’m one of your disciples,” said Bartholomew.

Jesus looked puzzled.

“You told me to follow you?”

Jesus, saving face said, “Sorry, I meet a lot of people, it’s hard to remember everyone’s name. You know how it is. Right?”

“Sure, I guess,” whispered Bartholomew.

Jesus turned to the other executive team members. “Who’s responsible for assimilation? I need a way to keep track of all these new faces!”

Bartholomew chimes in, “I play the electric lyre and I’m pretty good.”

“Ok,” Jesus concedes. “Meet with Matthew for all the appropriate personality testing to see if you are a good fit to be on the executive disciple team, then we’ll have a try out to see if you can play well enough to lead.”

Bartholomew looked confused.

Jesus continued, “You don’t talk a lot while you lead worship do you? I have a pet peeve regarding worship leaders who chit-chat when they have a mic.”

“We should coordinate our calendars,” Matthew suggested, changing the subject. “We don’t want all the stuff we are planning to overlap.”

Jesus sat back and watched with pride as Matthew led the staff meeting with efficiency, never varying from the agenda.

Jesus ended this first staff meeting with a prayer. “Father, help us change the world. There are people out there who are hurting, wounded and in need of you. Guide our ministry so we can impact the world with your good news. I pray that people come to our service this week. That you’d be preparing their hearts, even now, to come to our new building. I pray that they would become tithing disciples who give to us so we can fulfill the ministry you have given to us. May you expand our territory so we can impact this evil culture for you.”

Amen.

Categories: Humor

St. Patrick Driving the Snakes Out of Ireland

March 17th, 2012 Comments off

Categories: Humor

Friday Frivolity — A New Dad’s Guide to Baby Care

March 16th, 2012 Comments off

Categories: Humor

Hand Raising Tips and Hints

March 9th, 2012 2 comments

I don’t know about you, but whenever I’m in a situation where people start raising/waiving/hold their hands up in worship, I’m uncomfortable. I just don’t quite know how to do it, or what to do. Here’s a “how to” video. Caution: the “give the Lord a high five” move is very close to a Sieg Heil.

Categories: Humor

Team LCMS – A Missional NASCAR Venture

February 24th, 2012 9 comments

Categories: Humor

I Think This is Simply Hilarious

October 14th, 2011 3 comments

Best line….”Eight months to get the little chubby one to yell row. Kind of strange, such a simple word.” I don’t know who the advertising agency is for Geico, but they are brilliant.

Categories: Humor

Why I’m Against Every-Sunday Offering Collection

September 27th, 2011 19 comments

I know that a person can go back in time and show me that the most common practice in the Lutheran Church, historically, is to offer people present in Church on Sunday the opportunity to participate in the offering, but I am troubled by the fact that we are offering this opportunity too often. It is obviously no longer something special for people. They are just going through the motions and it won’t mean as much if we keep offering it every Sunday. It is time to stop taking up the offering every Sunday. Once a month, or maybe once a quarter would be best, but surely not more than two times a month. I don’t really care that some people really want to participate in the collection of the offering, every Sunday. They should not impose their personal opinions on others, like me. Too often is a bad thing. It will lead to bad attitudes and a lack of preparation for participating in the offering.

And for that matter, saying the Lord’s Prayer every Sunday is a bit much too. It just doesn’t seem special anymore. And listening to a sermon, we do that way too often. And singing hymns, that’s too much of a good thing too. And, for that matter, when I really think through what I’m suggesting here, I’m also going to have to say that I think reading the Bible too often is bad, and in fact, I really don’t think we should be expected to attend church every Sunday. That’s just making it way too common an experience, and again, it won’t be special and won’t be as meaningful. Besides, the Roman Catholics attend church every Sunday, pray the Lord’s Prayer every Sunday, and they take up an offering every Sunday. The last thing we Lutherans want to be accused of is being like the Roman Catholics. Taking the offering every Sunday is just too Catholic and doesn’t belong in a real Lutheran Church.

Less is more, that’s what I say.

Categories: Humor

Meet the “Reality Hits You Hard, Dude” Guy

September 17th, 2011 1 comment
Categories: Humor

Reality Hits You Hard, Bro

September 17th, 2011 1 comment

This guy is a natural story teller, he is being interviewed by a local reporter in Arizona after being involved in a vehicle accident, trapped in his car by a downed power poll. HT: MZHemingway.

Categories: Humor

The Bunk Pew: New Idea for Packing Them In To Church

September 2nd, 2011 2 comments

Categories: Humor

Dance Off: Wilken v. McCain……

June 28th, 2011 6 comments

People have suggested that Wilken and McCain have a dance off. I’m game.

Here’s a preview of the routine I’m going to be doing. Yes, this will happen.

Categories: Humor

Bad Vestments: Parrot Chausable

June 11th, 2011 7 comments

I really enjoy the Bad Vestments blog and it is always humorous, in a “if I do not laugh, I can only but cry” sort of way…they feature the world’s worst vestments. They devote their site, in their words, to “to subjecting particularly awful Christian liturgical vestments or church decorations to the ridicule they so richly deserve.”

Sometimes one rises above (below?) the rest. I present: the parrot chausuable. No, I’m not making this up. Here you go, and no, I have no idea what it means.

Categories: Humor

Star Wars Existentialism

May 2nd, 2011 2 comments

This is funny on so many levels, but also quite profound.

 

Categories: Humor

Bacon Cologne: Scent by the gods

April 8th, 2011 Comments off

Categories: Humor